The Reflex

The reflexivity of our city, OF OUR CITY!

Below is an essay I wrote during my first year of training to be a Psychotherapeutic Counsellor. Reflexivity is an integral part of the role of therapist, one which I personally believe can best be fostered through engagement in personal therapy yourself. Self-awareness and self-knowledge are best achieved via the psychotherapeutic process. I have undertaken 'training therapy' since 2017 (prior to this I have received cognitive analytical therapy, referral to a mental psychiatric unit, counselling and psychodynamic psychotherapy across a ten year period). With my ever-developing self-knowledge and self-awareness I am far more capable of putting my 'self' to good use in relationship with clients.

Reflexivity is finding strategies to question our own attitudes, thought processes, values, assumptions, prejudices and habitual actions, to strive to understand our complex roles in relation to other

Patricia A DeYoung (2015) writes:

The primary precondition is thorough self-awareness, the type that usually takes in-depth psychotherapy to achieve. If we provide long-term psychotherapy for relationally traumatized clients and if we have any propensity to shame, our shame and our clients' shame will inevitably become entangled. That's why we must be self-reflective about our own shame, and not just once, but continually.

Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame: A Relational/Neurobiological Approach, 2018., Routledge, p.xiv

I am very aware that many psychotherapy training courses do not offer training therapy. From my own point of view I would implore students to engage in some form of therapy alongside their classes and placements. This will no doubt be extremely difficult both financially, logistically and emotionally. There is no wrong or right way but I would stress giving it some consideration. Remember though, you don't need to have been held hostage to qualify as a hostage negotiator. Choose your own path and do what is viable for you.

Mark Hammond

Y1 DPC Evening Newcastle

27 June 2018

Reflexive Essay

My Experience as a Trainee Psychotherapeutic Counsellor

When I attended the open evening for the 2017/2018 first year term at The Northern Guild I made an immediate connection with an older lady sat across the room from me. She asked multiple questions and each time offered an apology to the group or some self-deprecating remark that let us know that she knew what a pain she was. I felt an immediate affinity with this lady who was, to me, making herself vulnerable to a large group of strangers in asking so many questions and doing so without hesitation. She thereafter revealed that she was a priest and I felt I could intuit a faith violently shaken and somebody, quite literally on this evening looking for answers. How does one reconcile professional patient/client relationships with Christ? I was drawn to the intensity of her questioning. Meanwhile, the various routes to qualifications as outlined on the handout perplexed me but I wasn't interested in enquiring about this. What I wanted to know was how was I to embark on personal therapy as somebody already in treatment. The priest considered me and gave a knowing, empathic look whilst mouthing 'Good question'. Following the meeting she and I met in Freudz cafe and discussed our misgivings and our excitement about the course and all the many logistical considerations involved in enrolment. Moreover, we took a deep-dive into our respective self-doubt; 'will I be able to do this/am I cut out for this?' I told the priest that her ability to question so much – her faith, herself – told me that this was something she would be apt to undertake. With hindsight my cheeks redden a little at the notion of imparting wisdom to somebody with a greater amount of years and experience to their name than myself. My cheeks positively flush candy-apple red when I consider that this person is also a priest and, at least to my mind would surely be endowed with theological expertise as well as ontological sagacity far beyond my comprehension - which is a thought that links to my Script, which I shall come to later. I later realised that we each admitted to being drawn to one another and that our subsequent conversation affirmed this - which comforted me somewhat. Internally I wrestled with the two opposing feelings of doubt and assurance and all the contradictions therein. I also noted that this advice that was now causing me such embarrassment was wholly applicable to myself as well. After the priest and I parted I realised that I'd given advice to a complete stranger, expecting them to use it fruitfully. I decided I needed to listen to myself as well. As I ruminated on the person with whom I'd made a meaningful connection, the fact that I'd quickly made such a meaningful connection, all my intuition gently whispered 'this is why you'll be able to do this'.

When I think of both my professional and personal life I can constellate all of my experience into a pattern aligned so precisely as to map the course I am now journeying through. These thoughts were given credence at the TA 101 workshop. Going into the TA101 workshop I procured the majority of the books from the reading list and by late September I was over half way through Berne’s What Do You Say After You Say Hello (see Appendix A for a Sestina I wrote not long after finishing the book). In the group I quickly volunteered some information regarding the Gallows Transaction (or some other such topic as explored by Berne) and it became apparent that I was the only one who had picked the book up. Jennie McNamara seemed impressed and I acknowledged a real sense of pride when she addressed me directly. This was repeated later in the course when I ventured an example from my previous studies. I was struck by the shame inherent in the Adapted Child and Critical Parent Ego States and thought immediately of a book I had studied in depth at the end of my BA in Creative Writing only a few months prior. The book is Jean Rhys’s Good Morning, Midnight and although a critical voice inside me murmured ‘this is irrelevant, do not speak’ I expressed what I felt to be correlations between the (predominantly internal) experiences of Sasha Jensen, the book’s protagonist, and what we were learning about Transactional Analysis. For example, Rhys constructs a schizophrenic narrative that leaps, at times tangentially between tenses and therefore temporal positioning; through analepses the character is phenomenologically haunted by her past and then abruptly resurfaces in the present. Indeed, Rhys seems to split time and consciousness. Most strikingly in fact is the quote regarding this feedback loop of shame; ‘Sasha’s upward momentum is only ever temporary, and she inevitably finds herself in a state of “impasse”…’ (Padley, p.265). At the time I was completely immersed in the novel and several academic papers which outline the Hauntology, that is, in simpler terms the disjointedness of time, and ’Chronotope of Shame’ (or how shame represents space and time) in the narrative of the book (Johnson, 2018). It struck me powerfully that this book had given me a whole summer of reflection on my own sense of the Shame Affect and here I was learning about Ego States that, reductive a definition though it may be, warred to pull you out of the present moment and into other temporal spaces. ‘One of the most powerful effects of shame is precisely its preservation of experience and knowledge’ (Johnson, 2018) encapsulates precisely why I felt and feel that the book is a cognate in some ways of TA; the Child and Parent Ego States seemingly preserving the experience of something shameful from the past, as in the phenomena associated with being in these states. Jennie was very receptive of my observation, which once again doubled my pride and on reflection perhaps I was only brave enough to counter my Critical Parent in verbalising this because I was hungry for more recognition via the stroke I felt I might obtain from Jennie. Also, I see how my reading in preparation for the workshop relates to my Drivers which include Be Perfect.

Coincidentally, other ‘extracurricular’ interests in my life beyond literature have borne out great relevance to the material covered in this course. I’ve thought about this for some time and wondered if this is simply some variant of what Klaus Conrad termed Apophenia (En.wikipedia.org, 2018). However, something about the experience of the TA101, talking with Jennie and the subsequent experience of the course has allowed me to circumvent such misgivings and give myself permission to explore them. My Creative Writing degree also involved a very rigorous study of Modernist Literature (which is an umbrella term concealing multiple movements) which in many ways was influenced by Freud (and some might say influenced Freud). I’m thinking particularly of stream of consciousness techniques, unreliable narrators (a huge digression from the Silver Fork novels of the previous epoch) and deliberately disjointed narrative arcs which instantiated this new approach to literature (which came as a result of shifting attitudes following World War 2). This however is a profound and complex area of consideration for another essay entirely. I mention this for the purposes of demonstrating the overlap between what I had learned coming into The Northern Guild and in many ways led me to this area of study. Freud loomed over this period and his essay ‘Das Umheimliche’ (1919) became a regular referent for many of the writers including Rhys. Freudian ideas of the unconscious also permeate the world of Twin Peaks, the third season of which I had just concluded upon entering my studies at the Guild (YouTube, 2018). This then led me on a deep-dive into other areas that overlap with areas concerning fields of Psychology such as Theosophy, Mysticism, Zen Buddhism, Occultism, Kabbalism, Mythology (particularly the works of Joseph Campbell, mentioned on page 68 of Berne’s What Do You Say…), Enchantment and Symbology to name but a few. As I mentioned earlier I wondered, in my most critical moments if this were a case of Apophenia but perhaps it may more aptly be described as Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, or Frequency Illusion (Staff and Staff, 2018). Coincidence or no, the links between the figures of these worlds that I continue to explore (such as Carl Jung’s foreword for D.T. Suzuki’s An Introduction to Zen Buddhism of 1964) has contributed to a sense that I am following a circuitous yet relevant and ‘correct’ path, one that has been validated by experiential knowledge also.

I have been a Support Worker for six years. I originally applied for the role having assumed the patient role in various Psychiatric and Psychoanalytical relationships. At the time I realised that I had some psychological mindedness and certainly empathy for those who struggle. I recall commenting ‘I want to be sat in the other chair.’ I have supported children and young adults with brain injuries within the family setting, which I feel has its roots in my own fragmented family life and difficulties in childhood. I recognised long before I joined this course that I am a Wounded Healer (Jungatlanta.com, 2018). With my personal experience providing impetus to embark on this career, my developing work experience then inspired me to pursue the route I am now embarked upon. There has always been this real felt sense of wanting to help others, which in a microcosmic manner manifests in most of my transactions and my need to Please Others Driver (Kahler, 1975). With this career change however I remember being struck by the real nobility and heroism of undertaking such work and I can now see how this Jungian Archetype intersects with a favourite game of mine which is Kick Me. ‘One game element in WAHM (Why Does this Always Happen to Me?) comes from inverse pride: “My misfortunes are better than yours”’ (Berne, p.73, 1968). This inverse pride is something that I’ve been aware of from a young age. When my parents bought a pub, 90 miles outside of Newcastle in 1996 a series of events transpired that have affected me deeply. My mother ended up staying in the area and from the age of about 12 I didn’t have much of a relationship with her. Over the years I can see how this competitive sense of injustice has carried currency for me, especially socially or in terms of justifying ‘bad’ behaviour. My mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer in 2013 and I ‘heroically’ leapt to rescue her, and in a way our parental roles reversed. My sense of heroism in becoming a Support Worker and in nursing my mother in ill health speaks of a Rescuer Role (Karpman, 1968) - and is certainly something that I feel has influenced my decision to become a Psychotherapeutic Counsellor.

The relationship (or lack thereof) with my mother seems to be the great story arc of my life (Script) and in many ways the fallout from events in 1996 led me down a path of depression and consequent involvement with mental health services from the age of eighteen. It is from my own personal experience of seeing Community Psychiatric Nurses, Psychiatrists, Psychologists and Counsellors over a decade-long stretch that I have achieved insight into the nature of the patient/client relationship. When I began with the Northern Guild I was into my eleventh month of weekly Exploratory Psychodynamic Therapy. It was at that point the most intensive therapy I had undertaken and really opened my eyes to the counselling relationship and the effects it has on life outside of the room. For instance, I experienced feelings of isolation in that this was a solitary undertaking, one that I could not truly share with my partner, friends or family. I was also aware of a growing sexual aspect to the relationship from my side and how this gathered into looping folds with a powerful desire for maternal affection. And throughout it all a real sense of boundary was maintained and as a result I gave a lot of thought to the therapist as a person and the ‘thing’ that we convened to do once every week. I can remember searching for her on Google and being quite disconcerted at viewing her outside of the known context. We contracted to end as I began my studies and this evoked multiple feelings for me. I had to contend with my evergreen abandonment issues, but it also made me stop to contemplate the relationship holistically; to pause on the dynamic of the counselling relationship and the many facets of its functioning. This core tenet of boundary has fascinated and equally troubled me since thinking about beginning and actually beginning practice. Having experienced the feelings associated with clear boundaries as outlined in the case of my therapist above, I have insight into how the client might feel but this alone has not assuaged any difficulties I have with the concept. Working in close family units with children and maintaining professional boundaries has offered me great insight into how my clients might feel but again, this has not completely allayed my doubts. It is the responsibility of the counsellor to ‘maintain appropriate boundaries… setting up boundaries includes time…’ (Gutheil and Gabbard, 1993). The management of time is something I am familiar with in my work but it is something I have struggled with in terms of setting a boundary outside of working hours. It has often been the case that I have given of my time to parents in the families I have worked with over the years and whilst I know that this is not appropriate for our relationship, I have struggled to put my ‘Please Others’ Driver to one side. Clearly the counselling relationship is completely different to personal relationships, however when in practice there have been a few occasions where I have struggled to verbally mirror the client when they have made some personal remark. For example, the client might say ‘I really like you’ and my natural inclination is to reply ‘Yeah, I think you’re really cool!’ And I have had to stop and think about the appropriate response in terms of maintaining our relationship.

I have collected all of these many personal experiences of trauma, loss, abandonment, dysfunction and grief together with both my inner trajectory which has been one of self-discovery, and my professional trajectory; one of working with others who require support to take with me into my studies and practice. This, I feel has equipped me with each of the ‘Core Competencies’ outlined by Rogers (1957). Like every other counsellor I have followed my own Script and now I have brought it (and my Counterscript) with me.

As Bettelheim writes,

‘[The child] needs a moral education which subtly, and by implication only, conveys to him the advantages of moral behaviour, not through abstract ethical concepts but through that which seems tangibly right and therefore meaningful to him. The child finds this kind of meaning through fairy tales.’ (Bettelheim, 2011)

The first film I saw at the cinema was Beauty and the Beast. I can vividly remember the experience with my mother. I have thought about this story since reading Bettelheim and Berne inspired me to think about my Script in terms of fairy tales. I saw the film at a very young age and it’s interesting to me that two films/stories that I have obsessed over later on in my development are Edward Scissorhands (which, in supremely meta fashion is a fairytale told within the film) and Frankenstein. A comparative essay is for another time, however I can see how the ‘animal husband’ paradigm (Transmundane Press, 2018 provides some information on this, though generally the argument presented is not relevant here) informs each in some way as well as Jung’s concept of the Shadow (Wikipedia, 2018), making my affinity for each of these stories a fascinating contemplation. At the point in Beauty and the Beast when the merchant loses his riches and Belle readily does the work of her sisters in order to maintain the family farm, Kay Newell Plumb reflects, ‘Sometimes we act like martyrs because it seems easier than demanding others to do their fair share. Avoids conflict. And sometimes we act like martyrs to prove what fabulous people we are’ (2008). I can see how this relates to both the Drama Triangle and Games I regularly play. I have noticed more and more as the year has progressed how I begin in Rescuer, move swiftly to Victim and eventually wind up in Persecutor. For years I have struggled with communication breakdowns which I can now see begin with my playing ‘I Was Only Trying To Help’ and then responding very much as a Victim before finally letting the bottle open into Persecutor. This reoccurs with great regularity and those around me will say ‘why do you give X the time of day?’. My initial thought was that I like to persist with people because I need to find some ‘goodness’ in them, but now I recognise that I have sought these characters in order to validate my Losing Script, my I’m Not OK - You’re OK Position whereby I am invariably disappointed and justified in not trusting any body/collecting trading stamps and then cashing them in (which links to the game NIGYYSOB). In terms of martyrdom as a means ‘to prove what fabulous people we are’ I can see how my professional choices substantiate this as well as my most recently acknowledged game - ‘Greenhouse’. In group check-in I have become aware that I am liable to overshare and it is often in this gamey manner, whereby I am expressing a feeling, as Berne writes ‘…as though it were a rare flower which should be regarded with awe’ (Berne, 1968). This has caused me significant confusion as there appears to be a fine line between this gamey behaviour and discounting very genuine feelings. Regardless, it seems to me that this game is the cousin of WAHM’s ‘my misfortunes are better than yours’ game element discussed earlier, which all seems indicative of a Losing, Hamartic Script that I seem to have been following for many years. My mother, it has been told to me was starved of love in her childhood and I can see now that a Pseudo-Parent took the lead in raising me in those early years. ‘This Child ego state is basically incapable of performing the necessary function of a father or mother…’ (Steiner, 1982) and I can see how this might have affected my mother’s decision to leave - which is something she also did to my two step brothers in a previous marriage. This also informs my awareness of ‘expected behaviour is likely to occur simply because it is expected’ (Ibid.). My mother was given the Attribution of unlovable. My eldest step brother apparently inherited this and it was I next who was, to paraphrase Laing, ‘told what I am to be’ (1971). However, I feel that a great deal of my existence has been predicated upon an Antiscript; where I feel I have been given the injunction ‘Don’t Exist’ I have strived to find ways to be noticed, either through musical performance (where I’m lit up on stage, making noise) to over-achieving. My enrolment on this course seems to me a rebellion against that very injunction. Sadly, ‘Thus, where “freedom” is really defiance, it is only an illusion. Inverting his programming still leaves him programmed’ (Berne, 1972). To me it seems that I’ve spent most of my life trying to please others, avoid conflict and be a ‘goody goody’, like Belle from Beauty and the Beast. There’s a point in the story where the Beast repeatedly asks for Belle’s hand in marriage. Plumb contends that ‘The Beast resorts to begging in this part of the story because he’s well aware that the beastly parts of a human being cannot be ignored, walled off, denied, or blamed on someone else without getting more beastly’ (2008). The experiences I have had at the Guild thus far, in therapy thus far and in placement thus far have led me away from thinking in terms of ‘Good’ and ‘Bad’, ‘Black’ and ‘White’ and at the moment it is helping me to acknowledge my Shadow; to marry my Beast, as Belle does. This is extremely helpful not just for my own development but for increasing my understanding of others in terms of the historical Archetypes that inform our behaviours and indeed our nature, as humans who are capable of thinking and doing things we wish to suppress/hide and shifting between a catalogue of personas as circumstances warrant. I hope to find my way, as Joseph Campbell suggests, by questing (Context Institute, 2018).

Word count: 3175

Bibliography

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Appendix A

The Penny Pinchers

'The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion it has taken place' - George Bernard Shaw

Without teeth or tine I come to harrow

you, on your day off, with tales so penny-

dreadful. A loose-livered man, our hero-

or so he'd have you think, as with all the rest

he tries to convince, along with himself,

of something. Anything. A point of view.

The backsweat-wet of glass muddles the view.

Steam-bursts harnessed firm into a halo

of foam. Another cup sits on a shelf,

tips topple in - the ring-a-ding of pennies

ting. The blind box knocks as he slots the rest

through. Giving shrapnel makes him feel the hero;

taking shrapnel makes him feel the hero -

and over coffee he asks this of you:

well wrapped in salopettes, led by the wrist

to wade in the deep whilst being shallow

enough to be heard from it. A penny

for his thoughts, no refund. Only themselves

and the din of tin limbs that skin against delph.

Sown in situ, you receive our hero,

glug on a mug of copper-coiffed, penny

-blushed tea. Purl your brow at my point of view.

And he thinks what he thinks: 'What a barrow-

to carry. It's time he gave it a rest.'

So we sip from the skilly, wipe the crest

from my top lip. I spout, 'How 'bout yourself?'

Slip to sleep as my woes are lain farrow,

forever forestalled whilst you play hero.

In my head, in his head - my full purview.

Not you. Is it me? Spent, I spit 'Penny-

yes, I really must go spend a penny!'

Flee the levant; flee the scene; flee arrest.

Penny-pinchers, are we? See, I refuse-

I put in the tin, crawled out of my shell

for you. Go back against them all, he rows

to get back what he put in. To harrow

you. To place pennies in the eyes of views,

of self. No rest for the wicked. Heroes-

aren't we all? Villains, after the first hello.